Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Ode To My Car


When I turned 15, I was given the best thing ever! An unlimited ticket to taking my bikes which ever direction I turned the steering wheel. Twelve years later, I'd blown a cylinder, the transmission was trashed (nearly impossible to get into 3rd) and was more than a little dangerous. Forget about the huge crack running all the way across the windshield, I could see just fine through the other 92% that didn't run directly through the line of sight. No matter how you look at it, that thing performed like a champ for so long! Thus the replacement being another Subaru after having sold my old faithful for a whopping $1.00! Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Subaru makers from back in 1987, you rock! Wanna make me another one just like it?
At some point though, even the best performers lose their edge (I didn't say anything about Lance!). At 12 years in, that beautiful power machine you see a few inches up from this text became a ticking road missile. Little by little, the relationship with my car was making me the focus of a tune that had been repeated too many times in that same car.

By now, everyone on the planet earth has either heard Adam Sandler's Ode To My Car or they should have! If, per chance, you are part of the group that has been missing out on one of the most offensive pieces of musical genius ever created, here you go. Be sure to count the ***'s to fully understand how socially unacceptable this song would be if I hadn't cleaned it up 100% for puritan viewing purposes!

**********************************************************************************
Here we go

Piece of s*** car
I got a piece of s*** car
That f***in' pile of s***
Never gets me very far

My cars a big piece of s***
cause the shocks are f*** shot
And my seat belts f*** broken
I got to tie it in a knot
(its a piece of s***)

I can't see through the windshield
cause its got a big f***ing crack
And the interior smells real bad
cause my friend puked in the back
(its a piece of s***)

(piece of s*** car)
Piece of s*** car
(he's got a piece of s*** car)
It sucks royal d***
(that f***in' pile of s***)
100% crap
(never gets him very far)
Oh f*** you car

Its got no cd player, it only got the 8-track
Whoever designed my car can lick my sweaty n** s***
(they can bite his a** too)
And I got no f***in' brakes
I'm always way out of control
Eleven times a day I hear hey, watch it a**hole
(you f***in' piece of s***)

(piece of s*** car)
I got piece of s*** car
(he got a piece of s*** car)
Diesel gas sucks my a**
(that f***in' pile of s***)
That pile of metal s***
(never gets him very far)

Oh what the f*** did I do
What the f*** did I do
What the f*** did I do
To get stuck with you
You're too wide for drive-thru
And you smell like the shoe
But I'm too broke to buy something new
Oh f*** me

Well the engine likes to flood
The car always f***in stalls
And the seat cushions got a big rip
So a spring always pokes the b***s
(ouch, ouch, ouch)
Plus the door locks are busted
I gotta use a f***ing coat hanger
(what a pain in his a**)
And if a girlie sees my car
There's no chance I'll ever b*** her
(he never ever gets da p***y)
Hey shut up
(piece of s*** car)
You piece of s*** car

(you got a piece of s*** car)
You piece of s*** car
(piece of s*** car)
Bald f***in' tires
(you got a piece of s*** car)
No rear view f***ing mirror
(piece of s*** car)
Seventy three colors
(you got a piece of s*** car)
F***ing rag for a gas cap
(piece of s*** car)
Tail pipe makes the sparks fly everywhere
(you got a piece of s*** car)
(piece of s*** car)
(you got a piece of s*** car)
(piece of s*** car)
Oh the whole town thinks I'm a loser
(you got a piece of s*** car)
Cabby give me a push
(piece of s*** car...)
*************************************************************************************
Post Script:
That Subaru never broke down on me, not once.

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